Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Me and Anne and the Kentucky Derby

I thought she was kidding at first...

"You wanna go to Dublin's on Sunset Strip to watch the Kentucky Derby?"

I looked at her as if she just spontaneously combusted...

"The thing with the elderly drunk White people with the big hats and the poodles who watch horses run around in circles?!"

She wasn't kidding. She then started to ramble on about how it was an experience and a lot of fun and we can drink mint juleps all day. Meh. I can drink better drinks at home. Then she called in a favor. Seems I dragged her to the same bar to watch the Indiana/Duke game a few months ago during March Madness. This was the game where Mike Davis' Hoosiers upset the Blue Devils and Coach K nearly passed out. I didn't think it was comparable, but nevertheless I went.

And I managed to have a lot of fun. Really! That was a few years ago and ever since then I have been a passive observer of the Derby. I couldn't even begin to talk about the odds on the horses, so my entertainment comes watching the grand spectacle of it all. We even came up with a nifty drinking game. So get your favorite scotch/bourbon/vodka, follow these rules and pointers for the 2008 Kentucky Derby and we guarantee a good time will be had by all:

#1 - Drunk girls in gaudy hats

Breathtaking in the sheer size and busyness they are only matched by the level of intoxication of the women who dawn them. Each time you see one in hot pink take a half a shot. Yes, there are that many.

#2 - Men in drag

You wouldn't think that they would be there, but they are citizen. And they usually look better than the women. Every time you see one on the tele you have to take TWO shots.

#3 - Derbyman

Yeah, I too said "what the f..." when I first saw him. He is pretty much an institution down there at Churchill Downs. Down one shot each time the camera shows his happy face.

#4 - The Infield

Pure hedonistic debauchery. Unfortunately the fine folks at NBC will not show this lest they offend their viewers delicate sensibilities. Many say more nudity is shown at the Derby each year than at Mardi Gras!

#5 - Horses

Kinda funny that hours of television programming leads up to a 5 minute race between strangely named horses (Pyro, Gayego, Big Brown and Big Truck to name a few). Pyro is suppose to be the favorite, so every time you hear his name take a shot.

If you are still conscious after it is all over, you have a horse's liver. So join us in the revelry on May 3rd!